I’ve never stopped to add up all the film reviews that I have written over the years, but it is well into the thousands. I’ve written reviews that people loved, and reviews that people have hated. I’ve written reviews that have gotten me laid, and reviews that have gotten me into fights. The NAACP once boycotted the newspaper I worked at, claiming I was a racist, until the discovered I was black, and then they simply boycotted the paper because I was an asshole. Die-hard feminists once claimed that I was in favor of rape because I wrote a negative review of a Sandra Bullock movie. And of course there have been the death threats (seriously), which only came after I wrote negative reviews of the most recent STAR WARS movies and Tyler Perry’s films.
But of all the things I’ve written, none has been commented on more than my 2002 review of SNOW DOGS, the family comedy starring Cuba Gooding Jr. Honestly, I’ve written reviews that were more negative than this one, but for whatever reason, this review stuck with people. After it first appeared in print, the publicist for Disney called and screamed at me on the phone. She claimed that the vice president of marketing at Disney was demanding that I be fired. I told her that if she would be kind enough to get his demands in writing, I would sue him for everything he had (which ended that conversation). The review was picked up by a newspaper in New Mexico, where apparently someone working at the paper was dating an old college friend of Cuba Gooding Jr. Now, I cannot confirm the validity of any of this, but I was told that Cuba’s old college chum sent him the review, which prompted him to want to kick my ass. Again, I don’t if this is true, but I do know that the angry call from the publicist came after the review appeared in the New Mexico newspaper. Anyway, after years of people requesting this review again, here it is.
SNOW DOGS—Other than traveling back in time and preventing Abraham Lincoln from signing the Emancipation Proclamation, there isn’t much more actor Cuba Gooding Jr. could do to set back the black race than what he does in SNOW DOGS. Gooding stars as a successful Miami dentist who discovers he’s adopted after his birth mother dies, leaving him everything in her will. Next thing you know, the Oscar-winning actor is off to Alaska (his bio-mom raised and raced sled dogs there), where he bugs his eyes and acts like he’s auditioning for Sambo McSpook’s All-Star Jigaboo Hootenanny and Review. One of the more disturbing aspects of SNOW DOGS is the way the audience of predominantly white children seemed to love a film where a black man portrays a stupid porch monkey. They laughed at all of Gooding’s minstrel-like comedic genius—especially when he was attacked by a pack of angry dogs—while Cuba, no doubt, laughed all the way to the bank. Maybe for his next film, Cuba can star in a family comedy where an African-American man gets a plunger shoved up his ass by the cops, or is tied to the back of a truck and dragged to his death. Getting lynched for whistling at a white woman would also be a laugh riot. But seriously folks, if for some reason you feel compelled to see SNOW DOGS, please keep in mind that not all black people are like this—only the shameless, greedy, Uncle Tom-ish Negroes who apparently don’t care how African-Americans are portrayed in film. Disney’s SNOW DOGS is not a good family film, but it sure would make a nice recruiting video for the Ku Klux Klan.